Jessica Simpson, I am not here to judge

Jessica Simpson splitting from her football boyfriend, Kim Kardashian calling it quits with Reggie Bush what is happening in the young sports world of today.  At least Alex Rodriquez and Kate Hudson are still riding the pony.  We wouldn’t want all of our mixed couples moving by the wayside.  How are we to exist in a happy balanced society if we can’t have our sports and entertainment packaged together?  It is like a match made in heaven.  Just think of the babies coming out all buff and good looking and yet being able to sing and dance as well.  We could have a world of super people and segregate them as they are elevated to an elite status.  Hmmmm, didn’t a country in Europe try that already?  I am just saying.

Anyway, I won’t begin to speculate on why Tony Romo had enough of Jessica Simpson.  I am not going to point fingers, or comment at all.  I am simply going to state that I have placed three pictures of her as she sang for the golfing legend Tiger Woods the other day and I have three pictures of her when she was looking smoking hot.  I personally think she is a wonderful girl.  It isn’t strange that she did the reality thing or that her father is a little too close to her (didn’t you always wonder about that relationship) but who am I to judge.  Nobody, nothing, so I won’t do it.  I won’t tell you that my favorite pictures are the ones of her in those bikinis instead of her in that really wide black and red striped dress.  Those are big stripes and I am not sure that anyone looks good in stripes that big.  It just isn’t flattering.

I will say this.  Emma Watson is going to Brown University.  If I was 18 and trying to pick a college I know which one I would pick.  I of course could never get into Brown University but I could work there as a bus boy or something.  Maybe a cleaning guy who picked up the trash around the lawn.  I could do that.  It would make me nice and tan and I would be moving a lot so maybe I would be in good shape.  It isn’t all about the mind you know.  You want to look good as well.  I guess that is why it is so hard for me to hear about Jessica.  We all know her mind is a little on the soft side and well now she seems like everything is turning into one big marshmallow.

Whatever happened to Daisy Duke?  The good news is there is hope in my divorce.  Not actually in the divorce but I now have hope.  If Hulk Hogan can finalize his parting of ways with Linda then there is not only hope for me but for all of us poor saps out there.  I am not comparing my wife to Hulk Hogan mind you but if you see something on your own then I won’t deny the similarities either.  Everyone sees what they want in somebody else.  That is what makes the world a beautiful place.

Maybe with Jessica’s recent return to singledom and Hulk now out looking for a date we can match the two up.  Does anyone but me see a natural fit here.  Those would be some damn good looking huge babies that is for sure.  It would be like Rob Lowe injected with steroids if he grew about two feet and put on 300 pounds.  I don’t know how big Hulk Hogan is but I wouldn’t want to meet him in an alley.  They could name him Jesse Hogan after Jesse Ventura and he could run for governor of CA or MN in a few years.

Life has a way of coming around in a complete circle of love and happiness.

Katherine Heigl (The Ugly Truth)

Katherine Heigl has vibrating underwear. I am sorry but what more do we need to know about this move. Her underwear vibrates. Just shut up the comparisons to Meg Ryan please. Meg Ryan was the first to do the in public at a restaurant orgasm and it was nice but she is gone now. Well not gone as in dead but she is not doing movies. Is she? If she is I guess the public no longer pays attention. Anyway, Katherine Heigl has vibrating underwear. That is the best thing I have heard in a long time.

I predict you will see I huge increase in the tantalizing lacey undergarments. It won’t take long. I wish that I had some to sell. Can we get Katherine to endorse them for us? Maybe if she wears one pair a day and we can then auction them off on our website or offer them as a teasing giveaway. I bet the traffic would pick up a bit with that don’t you. So see the movie. I get back to not really caring about the movie. I just want that one single clip so I can play it over and over again. Can you picture it now in your head? The oooohhhhhing and ahhhhhhing.

Why is it that women always get the good devices? Is it because men don’t really care. We just need our 30 seconds and after we fall asleep the games begin. Women whip out their vibrating toys form underwear to the 12 inch massive member in Sex in the City that Samantha Jones used to flip out. She loved men and toys. Little too wild for me though and that is saying a lot.

Well, I admit to not having seen the movie yet, but will be going this weekend. If I wasn’t a fan of Katherine before I definitely am now. I just wish I could get my hands on the remote control. Now there would be a movie to watch. Talk about your interactive entertainment. Make it in 3D and just pass the remote around the room. She would be buzzing for about 90 minutes or until the batteries went dead. I am not sure she could keep it up for long though. hahaha, that is pretty funny. If you don’t get that then you really need to stop reading my blog.

How many shows can she do in one night? It would be an interesting experiment.

Let’s all get out to see Katherine this weekend. She will be keeping her body for a while since she has publicly outed her fear of getting pregnant. She feels it might ruin her figure so she is scared of taking the plunge. As long as she keeps some batteries around and it doesn’t rain while she is electrified up then she should be fine. I wonder if she has to be scared of getting too excited? The thing is electrical. It is just a question. I am concerned.

Can your Partner Cook? My can…….

Is this a question that everyone at some point in time asks their partner? Can you cook? The stigma of cooking only being for women has long since gone by the wayside but the general art of cooking seems to have gone with it. In the generation of quick meals on the go and cardboard wrapped ready to eat Lasagna there are not a lot of people that spend a huge amount of time in the kitchen. What about when you first start dating. Does everyone state emphatically how much they enjoy cooking? Do we all fall into the trap of being a little too generous in touting our own accolades?

When I first started dating my girlfriend I smiled at the comments of her cooking prowess and nodded my head acknowledging her stated abilities. I had heard the talk before but at this point I am old enough to reserve any judgment until I actually see the real production. It has been a while now and although life flies by quickly I was excited when she actually made a list of items to buy at the store and was planning a couple of meals. If you don’t plan you can’t eat right. I have now seen her watching cooking shows on TV and on several occasions even writing down a recipe. I figured she either thought some guy on one of these shows was hot or she must enjoy the aspect of cooking.

So with the big day finally arriving she decided to cook Chicken Parmesan. Everyone likes Chicken Parmesan. I came home corralled the kids into some form of activity and even though I offered to help by the time I made it into the kitchen she had finished cutting up the zucchini. Hmmm, I really hadn’t planned to take so long but oh well. I then looked over at the oven and saw the pancakes from the morning sitting on the stove top still in their zip locked bag resting peacefully. The interesting thing was that the stovetop was on and it smelled a little odd. As I approached I saw that the plastic bag had molded to the pancakes from the heat and were now permanently melded together.

No real damage done. I just threw them away and laughed with her as I turned on the fan to fumigate the area. Things do happen. I stepped over to the trash and as I did so I saw her bent over the stovetop blowing furiously. A nice little curl of smoke wafted into the air as the paper towels she had left there burst into flames. I think she was trying to blow them out with her mouth. We managed to douse this as well and she then laughingly stated that she forgot to time the chicken. It turned out a little dry but not too bad.

As we were doing dishes we made a deal that I would keep the kids out of the area while she was cooking. The distractions of the little ones is not something that she is used to. I winked smiling thinking that was probably it and later that evening I talked to her about getting renters insurance. I hadn’t seen a need for it in the past but if she was going to be doing a lot of cooking now feel it might be a good idea.

Even if she ends up burning down a few kitchens over our lifetime I am so thankful that she jumps in and prepares a good meal. I love watching her in the kitchen even if it is a little difficult seeing her at times through all of the smoke. The best part is when she makes my lunch from the leftovers. The guys at work laugh at me when I tell them that my food tastes a little bit better just because she prepared it. There is something to be said about a little love added in with your banana and Chicken Parmesan.

I am going to go to Costco today and buy a couple of fire extinguishers just to be safe. Love is a great ingredient in the preparation of food but you don’t want too much spark in your chicken.

Couples Dating

You go through life looking for the significant other. You want that someone special to spend your nights with, cuddling by the fire, reading a book or watching TV. Your drive is to fall in love, make babies and in the end grow old with somebody by your side. Is that it? After you fall in love are you done? Can you sit and relax, content with do doubts about what your life will be. hmmmm, can you guess what the next step is?

Couples. Once you find the person you are with and you become a couple you have to move on to the next stage and that is finding a couple that you can spend time with who you both like. You laugh? You dare mock me? Then you must be single. Just wait. How hard was it to find the one person that you really bonded with. Now just think of finding two. Somebody your partner enjoys and you enjoy their partner. It is almost ungodly impossible. How can so many beautiful amazing women marry such assholes? How can so many great guys hook up with such airheads?

Compatibility is such a bizarre thing. Just think of the Clintons. Bill is a fun loving guy who likes almost anything in a skirt. Hillary is a woman that should never wear a skirt. This is using the word woman very loosely by the way. What about the Bush’s. George senior was a decent looking simple guy and his wife looked like his grandmother. Damn, what happened to her. Did she time warp ahead 20 years. Who doesn’t remember Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett, Prince Charles and Lady Di or Woody Allen and his adopted daughter Soon-Yi Previn. Can you say it is a little screwed up to marry your daughter.

It isn’t like I want to stand here and point fingers just stating the obvious. There are so many couples that are screwed up socially how is a normal pair supposed to ever find their matching set. Bridge is a game of four not two or three. It is the natural way of life, you are born, you marry, you have babies and you find your matching couple. Am I the only one who knows how this screwed up process works. Where are the dating services for couples seeking couples to hang out with on the weekends and barbecue? This is a simple question people. Help me out.

I can’t go to church and look for them. I think I am banned from all religious activities after some of my blogs. If I apologize to all Catholic people now can I get my spiritual card back. I am always allowed to renew my AAA card again even it was expired for a while. Doesn’t God work the same. We can’t pick them up in the bar. I don’t want to go the swinging route. I am just curious how to find that significant other grouping that matches us so well.

If anyone has any ideas let me know. In the meantime I will attempt to slow down the ticking of time and hopefully we can find our couple soon. I know you are out there. We are a fun loving couple, with three kids (my kids from a previous marriage), somewhat sarcastic, makes fun of religious people, not very tolerant of stupidity, poor so we need a couple with money, and we love, I mean absolutely love trashing other people’s homes.

If you are interested send me an e-mail.

Chow Baby.

Morning Sex

There are few things that you can count on in life. Sounds depressing doesn’t it, but isn’t it true. I can count on my dog loving me unconditionally. Damn, the dog is crazy with exuberance and loves me more than a dog should. Her biggest problem is containing her emotions. I can count on my book taking forever to actually turn into a book. I think I have re-written the damn thing about 100 times at this point. I might be better off turning it into a speech. I can almost dictate the entire thing word for word.

We can always count on some big named high profile athlete being in the news for raping, killing dogs or just plain being an ass. I guess steroids shrink more than just the little guy down below. Just ask little Ben. We can always count on sex selling. How many people outside of sports had ever heard of Erin Andrews before a few days ago? A friend of mine who actually reads my blog (shut up assholes, there are at least two people reading these), told me that I should explain who it is that I am writing about. That cracked me up.

Has he ever watched sports in his life? He is coming out here in September so I think I will force him to watch a football game or some playoff baseball. He says he only has time for me at breakfast but I will have to twist he arm and change that. Yes, you know who you are damn it. Who am I talking about now buddy? Insert name here. You can count on owning a car and at some point in our life having it break down. It just happens. My girlfriend’s car is acting up and she just called to take it into the shop. She all on her own stated to the person checking her in that she felt it was an ignition switch problem. How sensual is that. Just having her say ignition switch turned me on.

You can also count on the early stirring of the male anatomy rising to attention each and every morning (except when you are hung over). It just seems to happen. I wonder how many babies are born out of morning sex. Isn’t it odd that the male body is clocked to this schedule while the woman’s body is seemingly focused on night time foreplay? Foreplay is the key. Apparently you are supposed to spend more than 30 to 60 seconds kissing and stuff. I know, I understand. I get the point already. Women are complicated and they are not switches that can just be turned on or off at the blink of an eye so to say.

Morning sex is the best. What better way to start off the day. Is there anything else that can happen in the morning that sets you in a better mood to face the monotonous grind of your daily activities? Every time I see any of my male co-workers getting out of his car in the morning with a smile I can only assume his generous partner has cordially taken care of him before he left for work. It just seems like life would be so much better, jobs would flow so much smoother, work would be so much nicer if we just took that extra 2 to 3 minutes every morning for a quickie.

What do you say people? Are you with me? Yes that even included you Catholics. You are people to by the way.

Taking a Second Job

I was recently approached by somebody who had the idea of taking a second job. At first the idea seemed a little funny to me but in reality what is it that I am doing? I work as a corporate FP&A director during the day and during nights/weekends I write as much as time will allow. I enjoy it immensely and gain satisfaction from the self reflection. It reminded me of when I started this website and a friend of mine reprimanded me for not acknowledging other people’s dreams as highly as I rate my own. Somebody who loves gardening should garden. They shouldn’t sit in front of a computer on their down time.

I wonder about the reasoning for taking a second job. My writing doesn’t feel like a job to me but more like a hobby that I look forward to doing. The person who approached me talked of her occupational divergence as a means to an end. She enjoys Yoga and they had informed her if she wanted to work a few hours a week that they would be happy to exchange her time for free Yoga sessions. Joining a Yoga club is not the cheapest of endeavors. I wondered to myself if the time was worth the payment.

In my own self centered way I compare it to my desires and I can’t equate the two. I love writing. I know I keep saying that but damn it I do. I don’t get paid anything. I don’t know if I will ever make any money but I also don’t really care. What are the reasons that people branch out of their comfort zone and explore other opportunities? Some people don’t have a choice. They must work a second job to make ends meet. There are countless people who will work their entire lives and will never get ahead. Others possibly like me, to explore untapped desires and fulfill a hidden dream of sorts I guess.

Some just to offset an indulgent expense they might otherwise not have savored. A simple means to work a few hours a week and pay for something that seemed too extravagant to invest in with the fruits of their main career. It got me to thinking of the hourly rate we are paid and at what point is the price becomes too high. You are expected to hold down a job and the wages you earn are a reflection of your education, history and at times luck. The 50 hours a week you are expected to labor have a price and as long as you can negotiate your rate life is good. I then wonder how people value their down time. The time that you would be relaxing or for me writing or flying a kite or having a drink or the thousands of other things that you might choose to versus having to slave away for the man.

I find that I now place a premium on these hours. They are precious and to be savored like a fine wine. If you are lucky you can taste the succulent drink daily. For me writing is a drug that I lust after as often as I can possibly inject into my daily routine. For others it might be anything that drives the inner happiness. I am not sure that I would be willing to give up this time readily for a second job unless I was forced to with no other choices at my disposal. My choice would be living with less, giving up what I had to in order to maintain my firm grip on the precious hours that were at my disposal.

I also respect the ingenuity of bartering for what you might otherwise not be able to enjoy and time is something that can be easily bartered away. As with all things there is no right or wrong answer. What might be right for me might not make sense for somebody else. Too each his own. My only thoughts are how precious time is. How fleeting life is. One day we all wake up with the inspiration of what happened. How did we get where we are. Where are the moments that we so often took for granted. I look around and feel incredibly lucky to have what I do. Three beautiful daughters and an amazing woman who happens to be everything I could ever want.

I only wish I had more time to share with them. The one thing that is truly finite.

The Hickey (Is it really that bad?)

Are hickeys really that bad if you are a grown adult? What is wrong with getting a little too carried away in the moment? Can’t we let our emotions take control at times, harvesting the passion that most relationships lack. Throw our cares away? I don’t strive for getting or giving a hickey mind you. I just mean if it inadvertently happens then so be it. That most like shows you are sexually active. That you have some exuberance. Who doesn’t want to get so turned on they forget what in the hell they are doing.

What good is being married, having a girlfriend or being engaged if you can’t lose yourself completely in the throngs of your significant others lustful pull. I realize this badge of teenage honor is not condoned in the workplace but my argument would be that this is out of jealousy. Its unwarranted stigma is not out of any social order in life. The hickey should remain a resounding symbol of what is right and good in our lives. A symbol of sexuality and happiness. Don’t we spend too much effort trying to keep our desires locked away in our bedrooms, closets or some dark corner of the recesses in our minds? What if we just opened up to our significant others and shared our fantasies? Would that be so bad?

I am sure that I will get the prudish religious sect responses (insert Catholic joke here) about how freewheeling sexual escapades are taboo but that is not what I am suggesting. I am simply saying if we opened up our minds a little and stopped judging the lives of others we might be able to enjoy our own so much more. Why do I care if somebody is gay, if they like to dress as a woman, if they like to dress like a man if they have their penis removed or have one added on? Why do I care if somebody wants to marry somebody else as long as they are consenting adults? Are we so focused on everyone else’s sexuality because we are miserable ourselves? I am not but am I in the minority?

Somebody told me that having morning sex once a week drastically increases the odds that your relationship will not fail. I believe that but would take it one step further. People who have sex one morning a week are probably having a lot of sex at night as well. Sexual activity in a marriage is a healthy connection of emotional bonding that is paramount in the success of a relationship. Why can’t we add the hickey in there as well? Suck on somebody’s neck a little tonight and see what happens. Blow in their ear. Caress their hair. Whisper that you love them quietly as you hold their cheek in your hand. Can it hurt?

Society’s obsession with the vampire is in direct violation with our ostracized thoughts of the hickey. We want to fantasize more than we can tolerate reality. I don’t want to condone biting but if that is what you are into then I don’t want to banish it to hell either. I can only say what is right by me and that is a resounding vote for bringing the hickey back in favor.

I wonder what my girlfriend’s thoughts are.

Teenagers Growing Up

I just booked a flight for my fifteen year old daughter to visit my parents for a week over the summer. She will actually be leaving tomorrow believe it or not. God it will be so strange dropping her off at the airport and watching her go through security all on her own. I am sure she will be nervous yet excited at the same time. Two emotions that seem to fill and expand throughout the teenage years. The level of firsts as any teen explores and tests boundaries pushing to find their way in life is an amazing yet tumultuous journey to say the least.

It will be nice for her to get away from the entanglements of her mother and even myself. Grandparents have a way of spoiling kids that nobody else can quite equate. While I don’t agree with the approach my parents take to life in many areas the exposure of them to my daughter will hopefully be a positive everyone. It has been over 8 years since my daughter has seen them and as you can imagine there are a lot of changes that have occurred since she was 7. They most likely will have some getting to know each other time in the beginning as they explore evolved personalities.

It will also be nice to have some time with my two smaller daughters without the drama that my older one brings. Having three daughters ensures theatrics to the home on a daily basis. Thanks to my girlfriend I have a camp set up for the little ones next week. It sounds exciting and will be new if nothing else. With a large household it is always difficult finding that alone time with anyone so it is nice when the environment shrinks a little. Oddly the dynamics always seem to shift in unknown ways when one of our family parts is absent for any length of time.

The double edge sword remains the same as you give kids new experiences. It is hard to see them growing up yet exciting and fulfilling at the same time. Families are defined in so many ways today that the metamorphosis continues to amaze me from one year to the next. I can’t wait to see the dynamics a year from now as my relationship grows and the children evolve and life takes us down new and interesting paths. It is always toward the end of my week without the kids where I begin to miss them the most. They bring such life to our home it is always hard without them.

Ironically it is sometimes hard with them as well. Those damn little vixens can drive me insane at times but I will always love them. I will cross my fingers as I pick up my oldest tomorrow and to her surprise drive her to the airport for her week long adventure. Even though we have discussed the possibility of her going she is unaware that I have made the plans. It will be an exciting surprise as she embarks on her own to the world that lies in middle southern Middle America.

Who can imagine what adventures she will discover?

Apologies to Rachel McAdams

I wrote a blog “Emma Watson (Obsessed with her Underwear) and in that blog I listed a poll entitled “Who would you like to have 30 minutes in the closet with”. Sadly I did not list Rachel McAdams and that was a gross oversight. Is there anyone out there that can say Rachel is not smoking hot? I mean please people. If you don’t think this girl is gorgeous then you have lost whatever sliver you had of a mind. Insanity has engulfed you. You have fallen into the abyss and you will never return. One could almost list you as crazy as Jon Gosselin who is now apparently engaged to his new twenty two year old girlfriend. It must have been a very long time since he got any for him to commit so quickly.

Was he so thankful after their first night together that his mind went bye bye? What in the hell did Kate do to this guy? The next thing you know Robert Redford will be getting married. Holy shit, wait a minute. He did get married so maybe the rumor is true. Who am I to say really? I believe in love at first sight so call me crazy as well. I just don’t think I could fall for somebody who was 22. Seems a little young to be raising eight kids. Will she be included in the show when it resumes this fall? The only woman I know crazier that Kate is Hillary Clinton. I don’t really have anything to say. I just truly believe that she is insane.

She is packing on the weight lately though. She probably gets tips from Renee Zellweger who is back to bulking up for the third round of Bridgett Jones’ diary. How many diaries did that crazy fat lady write anyway? There are only so many times she can have relationship problems? If we could get John Mayer and Tony Romo in the movie that could have their big brawl on the wide screen. My vote is for Tony I think he would kick John’s ass. Apparently he got fed up with Jessica’s ongoing relationship with the singer and dumped her. Are they really fighting over Jessica Simpson? Didn’t I see a picture of her packing on the country pounds? Not that there is anything wrong with that. hmmmm, wait a minute. Don’t I only have to say that when I insult gay people? What can I use when I insult the rotund?

Maybe if we had a gay, Catholic, overweight, minority person I could get all my punches in one fell swoop and get over myself. Miley Cyrus is going to play a fairy so why can’t I? OK, before all of you gay, catholic, overweight minority people start yelling at me I have no prejudices. I have issues granted. Big issues. Huge issues but I have no prejudices. I hate everyone equally so doesn’t that in a sense make me better than everyone else. I didn’t say you had to follow or understand the logic.

I do want to apologize to Rachel. Not only should she have been in the poll if she were she should have won. Except for my girlfriend. I voted for her. She won’t allow me to post any pictures of her but if she did she would beat out everyone hands down.

Is there anyone else I have to apologize to? If so then please accept my asdl;fkajdsf;lakjdsf;lk. Good luck.

Male Confusion

Where is the line between living your life and going too far? Are men so scared of migrating to the more feminine side that we sit back and pretend to be manlier than we really are? I get a little lost sometimes in my own world because writing a blog really is about your own world. Granted I throw up pictures now and then and I reflect on things that do not always directly relate to me but there is a personal spin on my depiction. Is that a common theme with everyone or are there individuals that care more about others than they do themselves. If they do how is that self reflected? Can you care more about others when you have no ability to live anyone else’s life but your own? Is it possible to always care about yourself but place others before you in a way that is kind and gentle?

Where is the balance that we all so desperately search for? If we desire something, loving it beyond imagination do we only end up crushing it by hanging on too tight? Can our intentions be good but our actions are misguided leaving us floundering in self pity as we wonder what might have been? If you wake up one day and find yourself happy after years of misery is it possible that you are distraught from the unfamiliarity of what happiness even is. Maybe some of us are preordained to live our lives in misery while others thrive in happiness. Do we really have a choice or is the decision dictated to us long before we enter this world taking our first breath? I struggle with these thoughts as I now find myself in the position of being happy and the struggles with what happiness brings.

How many times can you wake up in the morning and stare into the sleeping eyes of the beautiful girl lying next to you? If you realize the time is limitless how do you contain your love in a way that it doesn’t boil over upsetting the dynamics of the normal coupling process? Is there even a defined normal process? Who is to say that you can’t fall in love in three days? How do you know how long to wait before moving in together? Are there really guidelines or is it just our society impinging rules forcing us into square boxes when we might be cylindrical in nature. I personally like being cylindrical. I thrive on the abnormal bursting out of the mold, living life to do my own thing.

If you find somebody, anyone who matches your passion hold on to them. Don’t listen to the immature bantering of friends who will continually tell you the reasons why things are moving to quickly or how things can’t possibly work. How do you know the very person giving you advice is not one of the many living in their own personally hell of bitterness? At some point we all have to grow up and make our own decisions. The reflection of our existence will hopefully in the end be the mirror that enlightens us to our own smile. A smile that is the gift from the very person that you were lucky enough to find at whatever stage of life you are in.

This is something that I don’t fully understand and never thought I would feel. I didn’t even know enough to miss it but now that I have tasted it can only say how incredible it is. I have a wonderful family, three incredible kids and I now have somebody that has been able to reshape my foundation years after it was formed. How lucky am I.

My only advice to anyone about anything would be defining yourself as best you can. If you feel anything less than a boyish wide mouthed grin every time you open your eyes and see your partner laying next you then you need to think about who you are. A friend told me one time when you are with a girl you will just know. I was unsure what he meant at the time but I now realize exactly what he was saying. You just know. Anything else is a lie and if you are lying to yourself then you are lying to the person you are with as well, which isn’t fair.

In the end you will know. Thank God I finally understand what that means.