Blazing Heat (It does change People)

Living in the bay area there are several luxuries that we take for granted? Some of these luxuries we will probably never even realize or acknowledge consciously as a luxury. We just wake up every morning and there they are so we begin to expect them as normal God given rights. The area is beautiful, careers are plentiful (they used to be), the ocean is close by, the mountains are not far away and the weather is amazingly neutral almost the entire year. For 12 months every year the weather stays consistently in the 60′s to 80′s and outdoor activity abounds almost every weekend.

Owning a house in the mountains gives me an even greater opportunity in that I can frequently spend time at the lake in the summer and in the winter spend most weekends snowboarding. This past weekend was no exception. I drove up to the house expecting to have a fun filled weekend in the sun. The sun. OMG, the sun was out in full force. It beat down on us keeping even the nighttime temperatures in the high eighties and the daytime………….. It was hitting 110 plus degrees. I saw my mild mannered girlfriend actually transform into, well…… she reads this blog so I have to be a little careful.

My kids spent most of the weekend at each other’s throats. The bickering and fighting was non-stop. Everyone seemed on edge. We voted both days to skip the lake and instead opted for the movies one day, shopping at Wal-Mart some (air conditioning) and for the rest of the time devoting whatever energy we could muster on finding shade and keeping as cool as possible. 110 degrees, are you fricking kidding me. I don’t remember the last time I was so miserably hot. My dog, which is a black lab and rivals “Marley” for her untendered exuberance and constant energy, was subdued. I have never seen that dog laying down so much but she was lethargic and moved from her water dish to laying on the deck and nothing else.

Maybe that was Beckhams issue as he snapped attempting to hurdle the on field barriers and take on fans in an all out brawl. He had to be held back by security to keep him from jumping into the stands. Maybe it was just a little too hot and he snapped. In the past I would have condemned such activity but after this weekend I can almost understand it. Heat makes people crazy. Maybe the problem in Honduras has nothing more instigating it other than the fact it is to close to the equator and God only knows how hot it is right now. Why don’t we try shipping them a bunch of air conditioners and see if that doesn’t ease tensions? It would probably take less than a week and everything would work out with all of the coup leaders hugging the past regime.

Is it just me or does anyone really care who judges the American Idol wanna-a-be stars. Simon is really the only one who counts and that is mainly because he is so damn mean (honest) and slams contestants right and left. Isn’t that part of the appeal of the show to humiliate some people publicly for our entertainment? My guess is they must keep the light shined on Simon raising the temperature in his seat so he turns into an ass. On the few occasions where he is nice the air conditioning must have been set at too high a level.

I am leaving this morning and as much as I love the mountains can’t wait to get back to the moderate temperatures of the bay area. God it is hot. It is 3:30 AM and I think I see my skin melting a little this morning.

Katherine Heigl (Totally Exposed)

Everyone knows Katherine Heigl from “Greys Anatomy” which is the most current nighttime soap opera playing on TV that deals with doctors and their never ending dysfunctional love stories. We all know the process of visiting our doctors or going to a hospital and waiting in the emergency room for hours as blood squirts out of our wounds. What we didn’t know until TV educated us was the reason we were waiting. It is simply that all the doctors were in the back rooms playing, well………..doctor. How many love triangles exist at a hospital? Haven’t we all heard the lesson don’t dip your pen in company ink? Don’t shit where you lie? OK, that one is a little disgusting.

Anyway, Katherine Heigl is in yet another romantic comedy and seems to on track to becoming this generations Meg Ryan. She has found her niche and if her recent successes are any indication of her future endeavors “The Ugly Truth” should be a romantic comedy worth seeing. It premiers July 24th and if you read any of my blogs you will find that I navigate openly to romantic comedies enjoying a good love story as much as the next guy. It isn’t like I am getting old or anything and even if I were I am a decent weight for my size so I should live for several more years. Just ask the monkeys down the street.

In a recent study they fed some monkey’s fatty food and some nutritional low calorie stuff and the low cal monkeys look great in their old age. The monkeys who were on the donut diet didn’t look so hot. Did we really need monkeys telling us that eating donuts is not healthy? Next thing you know they will tell us that we can’t even spank monkeys and I for one love spanking the monkey. It has to be healthy to spank the monkey right?

Are we so confused that we can’t figure that out for ourselves? Are we all becoming Ryan Reynolds, struggling with our multiple personalities not sure of who in the hell we are. He is now being cast as Green Lantern after signing up for a Deadpool spinoff. Pretty soon he will be playing all the super heroes in every movie just to keep things simple. If he gets cast as the villain in the movies as well he could just play with himself.

I wonder if we would all be interested in watching a movie where Ryan Reynolds was all characters pushing, pulling and tugging in his fight scenes all by his lonesome. Wait, isn’t that what Eddie Murphy has been doing for the past 20 years or so and he hasn’t done a good movie in years. Except for that supporting role he did in the Supremes. Seems like his best roles are supporting large breasted women. Hmmmm, is that in real life or the movies.

Anyway back to Katherine Heigl. If I could pick a woman to support she would be at the top of the list. Her new movie is headed out to theatres on the 24th of this month. Being a romantic comedy junkie I will be there and I am proud of it. So many guys are distractingly misled at the movies now a day. The underlying question is “but about what?”. That should be the new CIA slogan. They keep misleading our congress but the sad thing is our Congress is so confused they seem to know they were misled but are completely unaware of what they were misled about.

If they spent more time in love circles like our physicians instead of with their interns we could sleep more peacefully at night. Those damn college interns. The will do anything to get a head. hahaha, do you get it. Do anything to “GET A HEAD”. Jesus, do I have to point out every joke or will you get a life at some point. Stop spanking your own damn monkey and put the donut down. There is more to life than getting head. I mean getting ahead.

Missing your Dog

I have a very big black lab named Delilah. I am sure I have spoken about her before as her insanity permeates our household like termites eating through the layers of your homes foundation. Every time she enters a room she commands the attention of everyone around her if not with her overly exuberant front paw lunges then with her Samaria tail that lashes back and forth like a perpetual whip being wielded by Zeus himself. As I have said on many occasions the definition of insanity has to be accompanied by the picture of a lab.

The one thing you fail in recognizing by her outward appearance is the love that she exudes from every single pore of her body. The reason she is so crazy stems from her inability to contain the emotional outpouring of happiness every time she sees you walk through the door. It is amazing how her entire life revolves around the fleeting pats on the head and the periodic playful snuggles she might garner as I race through my busy days. It was mostly for her that I got Mr. Bean a few months ago and it is with sadness that I now have gone 24 hours and he is no longer around.

Mr. Bean is the little Chihuahua that we rescued from the Humane Shelter and he immediately fell right into place in our home taking command of the activities and demanding a status that far outweighed his miniature size. He was or hopefully still is the dominate of my two dogs and even though my lab might be able to eat him without even stopping long enough to chew she followed his lead as he herded her into place in most every activity. It had grown quite comical to see Mr. Bean snatch the ball from Delilah’s grasp and her chasing him across the lawn as he attempted to avoid her by darting back and forth zig zagging around the trees. She could easily catch him if she had wanted but seemed to enjoy the game of keep away that they so often played.

Hopefully he will show up today and life will return to normal. The kids will be devastated but admittedly my girlfriend and I are distraught as well. I think it shows you how delicate the dynamics of the home really are. It should make us all appreciate what we have and how fleeting life really is. I realize that many people don’t equate the loss of a dog with any monumental emotional ties but I happen to believe once you welcome a dog into your home he/she becomes in integral part of your family and as such his/her role is as important to the emotional stability of all concerned as much as anything else.

Hopefully today will lead to happy news and we will find the little guy and the loss will be short lived.

Wish me luck and as always I am sure I will let everyone know the outcome.

Spanking your Child

Who out there is a parent? Haven’t you ever wanted to haul back and butt smack your little vixen of a child? Well ok maybe not in a violent way or……. I for one have never spanked my child. Not once, but that wasn’t really the original question. In answer to the original question I will admit to wanting to spank them on several occasions. Hell, sometimes I wanted to line all three up in a row and spank them simultaneously. In the end I showed restraint and refrained from corporal punishment. Now the question of the hour. Is it wrong to spank your child? I sit on the fence with this one. Some people are dead set against any physical discipline and some people are all about the beatings. You so often hear a nice smack on the arse is good for the little varmints.

My opinion is more personal. I have a temper and with me I always worried about spanking in anger and what that might mean. I admittedly refrain from the activity more for my own mental health than for any other reason. It is like a drug addict in a way. If I don’t ever tempt myself with the activity then I will never fall down the path and there are no worries. I would rather error on the side of caution than the other way. So what about the rest of you physical activists?

I bring this up because our favorite dysfunctional family The Gosselins had Kate recently caught in the act of butt whipping her little girl. As with most things in the oddity of this bizarre made for TV soap opera called a family, the episode made the headlines in an unflattering way. At one point you would think that Kate was tying her kids up and torching them with a whip that came full blown with spikes on the end as it was presented by In Touch magazine. I don’t think she actually performed any Satanic rituals on the child she just smacked her on the butt with her hand to get the kid to shut the hell up. Right? Wrong? I don’t know. I try not to judge anyone for the most part. NOT

I think overall Kate and her philandering husband should both be locked up for putting the kids into this glass house and parading them around for public viewing but in the end the public should share responsibility as they watch this stuff right. I have to be a little careful slamming the audience as somebody I care about watches the show and I don’t want to get into trouble. Again, I can’t judge. I like watching True Blood, Big Love and Two and a Half Men. All three of those shows are about some messed up troubled people right.

So back to the point. Kate. Should she have spanked her daughter? Is it ok to spank kids in general? If you control yourself and use spanking as a tool is that a legitimate form of corrective action? What are your thoughts? I again remain on the fence with the topic in general but for me personally I will refrain from beating the kids and take out all my frustrations on my dogs. Uh Oh. Before I am lynched I have been told that I cannot even do that anymore. Apparently I can no longer even spank my dog on the butt when he pees on the carpet.

Well in the end hitting is bad so let’s all just love one another and be happy. I know I am happy. Are you? If you answer no then what the hell. Go out and hit the biggest man you can find at your local bar and see how that goes. Should be an interesting experience if nothing else. After you get thrown out on your arse you can flip on the tube and watch the new TV reality sitcom entitled “Kate Gosselin the new Bachelorette but holy shit she has a lot of kids so nobody wants to date her”.

OK, I made up that last line.

Serial Cat killings? Really?

It appears that Tyler Hayes Weinman an 18 year old high school senior graduate is allegedly a serial cat killer. I am going to say this as I do all the time so wait for it…….. He is a quiet boy, who is well behaved, well spoken and everyone who knows him is shocked. Why is it always the quiet well behaved ones that are so freaky. It almost makes me want to ensure that whatever house I buy next is on the loudest noisiest street possible.

Apparently there have been dozens of cats missing and several have shown up skinned, mutilated and dead in the neighborhood surrounding Tyler’s home. While you can’t ever condemn somebody before his/her fair trial if guilty it would be a scary concept for what he might do next. I mean how long will they put him away for killing a few cats. A couple of years maybe. My guess is that if he has progressed far enough down this road it is only a matter of time before he moves on to, well…….. other types of victims. Whoa I don’t want to live in his neighborhood as he gets older.

Interestingly enough the police arrested him on prom night while he was attending a party. He apparently missed the dance and if he is not found guilty I am sure the police opened themselves up for a great lawsuit. How is it that our protectors seem to do so many odd things in their pursuit of nabbing the bad guy. Did the detective in charge suddenly say hey let’s make sure that we grab him tonight so he looks his best. Arresting him in his tuxedo just seems like an act of foolishness on their part. Couldn’t they have waited a few hours and picked him up after he was drunk and held him on underage drinking. We all know what 18 year olds do on prom night right.

I remember my prom night and let’s just say when my girlfriend’s brother knocked on our hotel room door at 4 AM in the morning telling me her parents were pissed I was scared shitless. I would have confessed to anything at that point as I was freaking out beyond my teenage ability to maintain composure.

I currently have two dogs and a cat (the cat is a new addition) and I would miss them if they were taken from me. I know I am a little sappy but I do love those damn little creatures. I can’t imagine somebody skinning them, butchering them and then leaving them in my front lawn. That is some messed up stuff. Hopefully he is Catholic so he can just say a few hail marrys and move on with his life. I would make sure I tested the wine before next communion though if he was in attendance. No telling what the crackers would be made of.

Sneaking Around

The fun thing about being an adult is when you are in a relationship there is no sneaking around (Unless you are going behind your spouse’s back I guess). Throughout adolescence you spend so much time hiding from your parents, insecurity about your friends or just playing the field. As an adult that doesn’t occur right? Not. Interestingly enough if you have kids it is like coming around full circle where you are now sneaking around again. Not wanting/ready for your kids to find out about your relationship is a funny dynamic.

I guess as kids we don’t want our parents too involved until we are ready to present our relationship and as a single parent we don’t want our kids involved until we are ready to present our relationship. We spend an inordinate amount of time keeping people uninvolved. I realize there are always dynamics to consider. Are the kids ready, is it the appropriate time, will the relationship last etc. etc. You never want to needlessly involve kids introducing them to just anyone who happens to grace your existence.

I tend to be a pretty open person in general. I guess that is why I blog. My life is in writing for everyone to see (except my ex-wife, please do not tell her about this website). But as George from Seinfeld said don’t let your relationship self merge with your friendship self or when the worlds collide the explosion will be devastating for all involved. Guess I will just have to continue to be patient. My kids will get there and soon enough the worlds will become one and then life will be an interesting mesh of personalities. Seeing as I have three daughters, two dogs, now a cat my world is full of personality already.

Just wait until daughter number four comes along (not expecting by the way just throwing that out there for fun). One never knows for sure do we? OK, again mom stop freaking out, just kidding.

Does anyone know what is the earliest age you can marry off a kid?

Cats and Relationships

I love pets as much as the next guy. OK, my first choice would always be a dog but I am not anti-cat. Cats have their place in the world. They are loving animals, affectionate but completely and totally independent. If you like that type of woman, wait a minute I meant pet then that is fine. I personally think that everyone should be able to think for themselves, formulate an opinion and that should be respected. It goes both ways of course.

It seems funny that for the most part woman tend to navigate towards cats and men tend to navigate towards dogs. Just shut the hell up, wait a minute, I mean hang on a second. I know there are exceptions. There are woman who like dogs, just look at Britney Spears. She has no taste what-so-ever. Then there are men that like cats. I have not seen a catwoman that I didn’t like. I don’t care who gets in the outfit, they all look hot.

What about the Underworld series. I mean any woman in a tight leather jumpsuit that kicks ass deserves a second look. Oh shit, I am getting distracted. I do draw the line at walking a cat or carrying a cat in a little baby backpack, frontpack, purse or whatever it might be called. I mean we all do things for a woman that we sit back and question. That is just part of life. Women ask you to hold their purse, go buy some tampons or to allow them to paint your fingernails. Well maybe that last one is just after a lot of scotch.

Anyway, where is it safe to just say no? Can women out there please allow us to just keep our balls for a while here and there after we say the all fateful words I do. Is it a given that once that line has been crossed that women just dictate and are all powerful. I fully know that women in general are all powerful no matter whether the words have been spoken or not and all we as men can do is beg. Beg to be allowed to be a man. Please let us hold on to a shrivel of our dignity. Just a small slice of respect. We know we don’t deserve it and we know the decision is completely up to you but we are begging.

You have all the power. I once heard a comedian who said wives need to simply follow one rule. Have sex with their husbands. There are millions of women in the world not having sex with me. If you are the one that will then by God I will do whatever the hell you ask me to do. For me personally I can only beg you not to ask me to carry around a cat in a Bjorn. It scares me. I am afraid.

PLEASE.

My two Dogs (Where should they sleep)

I have two dogs. I have probably written about them before but one is a black lab about two years old and one is a Chihuahua that is also about two years old. The black lab I have had since she was a puppy and she reminds me very much of Marley in the recent movies and book which I have seen and read. My dog is insane. She once, when left alone in my house literally ate two Comcast remotes, two WII remotes, magazines, two chunks out of my wool rug and anything in the trash that wasn’t eaten was strewn about the house in a mad fit. She is certifiable but loves me unconditional and the constant beating of her tail while lethal is a literal depiction of her happiness.

My Chihuahua I got just a couple of weeks ago. He is a mix and we rescued him from the Humane Shelter. I wanted a dog to keep Delilah company during the day and I just couldn’t handle another large dog. I love Delilah and all but please God help me if I had another one like her. Our new little one is named Mr. Bean and I will most likely talk about the two of them many times to come. Now for the question. Let’s say I have somebody over and she is spending the night. Can I allow Mr. Bean to still sleep on the bed?

Delilah sleeps on her bed next to my bed. She is relatively non intrusive if you can overlook the occasional gaseous outburst and the snoring. Yes, my dog snores extremely loudly but it just adds to her charm right? Mr. Bean has been sleeping on my bed and he is fantastic but he does like to snuggle rather closely and has been known to curl up on your face. He loves feeling like he is a little human.

Is it wrong to keep the dogs feeling at home just because somebody has happened to sleep over? I need some help with this one so please give me some responses. I have finally received my first comment the other day and I need to keep up the trend.

Thanks