Melissa Rycroft Engaged

Talk about jumping around like a yoyo. How long has it been since Melissa was seen crying on the Bachelor having been jilted by the love of her life only to quickly jump into the dancing in the stars (yes I got that right) and now she is engaged yet again. Heading down the aisle with Tye Strickland and insurance agent for Christ’s sake. OK, I don’t want to offend all of your insurance agent people out there but please. You know what you do and is it really reaching for the stars? Maybe the two of them can do an infomercial together and supplant the recently deceased Billy Mays. Can anyone else see an opening here?

Has anyone ever seen Big Ben? No, not the grizzly bear but the big ass clock in London somewhere. I realize that the ticking of the clock and the bells tolling must be quite loud judging from the size of things. Well if you read my review of “Hung” on the Duncan Moron blog you will realize that size doesn’t matter but in this case the bigger the clock the louder the tick you might say. I can only assume that Melissa’s clock must be ticking like a time bomb in Notre Dame. Didn’t Quazi Motto go deaf from those damn bells being so loud?

It is nice to see Mellissa finally win something. After getting jilted on national TV and then coming in third on Dancing while intoxicated (just shut up this is my blog and I can say what I want) she is finally nailing her man so to speak. It is hard to believe that 4 to 6 months ago nobody knew who this girl was. Just a cheerleader on the Dallas Cowboys doing a calendar shoot here and there selling her wares to anyone that would look her way. I must admit I don’t mind looking. She is hot if not a ticking piece of plastic explosives dying to get married to anyone who apparently can afford a ring.

Well, congratulations to her and (what was his name again). I hope he talks her into doing that playboy shoot we have all been looking for.

Now that would be interesting news.

Missing your Dog

I have a very big black lab named Delilah. I am sure I have spoken about her before as her insanity permeates our household like termites eating through the layers of your homes foundation. Every time she enters a room she commands the attention of everyone around her if not with her overly exuberant front paw lunges then with her Samaria tail that lashes back and forth like a perpetual whip being wielded by Zeus himself. As I have said on many occasions the definition of insanity has to be accompanied by the picture of a lab.

The one thing you fail in recognizing by her outward appearance is the love that she exudes from every single pore of her body. The reason she is so crazy stems from her inability to contain the emotional outpouring of happiness every time she sees you walk through the door. It is amazing how her entire life revolves around the fleeting pats on the head and the periodic playful snuggles she might garner as I race through my busy days. It was mostly for her that I got Mr. Bean a few months ago and it is with sadness that I now have gone 24 hours and he is no longer around.

Mr. Bean is the little Chihuahua that we rescued from the Humane Shelter and he immediately fell right into place in our home taking command of the activities and demanding a status that far outweighed his miniature size. He was or hopefully still is the dominate of my two dogs and even though my lab might be able to eat him without even stopping long enough to chew she followed his lead as he herded her into place in most every activity. It had grown quite comical to see Mr. Bean snatch the ball from Delilah’s grasp and her chasing him across the lawn as he attempted to avoid her by darting back and forth zig zagging around the trees. She could easily catch him if she had wanted but seemed to enjoy the game of keep away that they so often played.

Hopefully he will show up today and life will return to normal. The kids will be devastated but admittedly my girlfriend and I are distraught as well. I think it shows you how delicate the dynamics of the home really are. It should make us all appreciate what we have and how fleeting life really is. I realize that many people don’t equate the loss of a dog with any monumental emotional ties but I happen to believe once you welcome a dog into your home he/she becomes in integral part of your family and as such his/her role is as important to the emotional stability of all concerned as much as anything else.

Hopefully today will lead to happy news and we will find the little guy and the loss will be short lived.

Wish me luck and as always I am sure I will let everyone know the outcome.

Wearing a Suit to work

It is funny how the change in one’s attire attracts so much attention. I guess everyone falls into a standard routine, wearing the same general types of clothes on a consistent basis. I tend to wear jeans almost every day and at times even wear shorts. My shirts fluctuate between a nice dress shirt (left untucked of course) and a polo shirt. I might at times dress down to even a t-shirt, especially on shorts day. I should prequalify this with my occupation. I am in FP&A or accounting which most people will associate with in the corporate environment and I work for a publicly traded corporation.

The accounting/FP&A folks in general tend to be a little stuffy. No offense to anyone who knows me that might be reading this. If this is intended for you, well you know who you are. The group (FP&A/ Accounting) is a little uptight as a whole (not my team but again across America). I live and work in CA so all occupations tend to be a little looser around the collar then our uptight snobbish East Coast counterparts but even in CA accounting is not known for its wild side. I often wonder why that is. When you are in the process of going to college is there a class that I missed taking that states anyone who is good with numbers must also walk around with a cob of corn stuck up their xxx? Not that there is anything wrong with that.

I mean politicians seem to function ok and all of them walk around with several things stuck up there. Sanford must perform quite well for example. He traveled all the way to Argentina just to show off his wares. Maybe he should have vied for the new HBO series “Hung”. I am not speaking from firsthand knowledge but traveling across continents to get some either means you are good or you are pretty damn desperate. Can’t he find a woman that lives any closer? It makes no sense. It is almost as ridiculous as having 50,000 different cell phones manufactured and every single one of them coming with a different charger. What the Fxxx is up with that. Did it really take 15 years and all the top executives to figure out that a universal charger was a good idea? What in the hell are we paying senior management for in the first place.

I give up trying to make sense of corporate America. I mean how long has it been since GM touted their advertisements to just buy American made products. Now they are in the market for buying directly from Toyota. I don’t get the concept. GM will buy some Prius cars, slap their label on them and then resell them? Will this be the cars that Toyota rejects with the quality being too low and deems it fine for GM. I know GM is scraping the bottom of the barrel but are they turning into nothing more than a Toyota distributor? The next thing you know we will have Catholic people moving to Jerusalem. If so maybe they could all live in the new condos going up in the West Bank.

One quick question. If you are a Catholic driving a Prius that has a GM label while banging an Argentina lady who lusts after well hung South Carolina politicians and your standard attire is shorts and a t-shirt even though you work in corporate America what does that make you?

Can you anyone say Scarface. Oh wait a minute. He was Cuban not Honduran. Is that two separate countries or do they just flow together at some point as one big drug haven? Didn’t somebody from Georgia say they all look alike anyway? For the record I didn’t say that. It isn’t like they are real true blooded Catholics.

Those are the Italians.

Walking too Slow

We all know that in life everyone is in a hurry. We hurry up to get our work done so we can hurry home to make dinner so we can eat quickly so that we can expediently get ready for bed. We go for a walk and we have to hurry up so we can beat the crowd as we rush to our favorite restaurant shoveling in our food so we can get to the movie on time. We cram so much shit into a day just so we can have our weekends “free” to cram so much shit into our weekends that life is like a roller coaster in perpetual flow stuck in high gear. No wonder some of us jump off the track now and then.

I admittedly walk slowly. I enjoy strolling to the Hamburger joint and then leisurely making my way to the theater where last night I watched “The Proposal”. I review movies in the “Duncan’s Blog” section if anyone out there cares and if not to hell with you too. It was a nice afternoon and even if it wasn’t it got me out of the heat. Isn’t this the SF bay area? What the hell are we enduring LA like temperatures for anyway? I think the heat affects everyone’s temperament as even the movie theater staff is on edge. It is pretty bad when you are scared to bring your Starbucks tea to the movies as it violates the no outside food in the theatre rule. Everyone is out to make a buck and God forbid you don’t splurge on the $20 bags of popcorn they try to shove down your throat.

With the heat reaching these levels it is even more interesting why anyone would ever try warming lotion in the middle of a passionate fun filled evening. OMG, all I can say is have you ever heard of the product BenGay? If you ever want to feel like you are on fire without the inconvenience of actual flames buy some warming lotion and see what happens. There are some places on your body that should never suffer through the experience of an inferno burning from inside your skin. It just isn’t right. Are there some people who actually enjoy this stuff? It must be the same group that doesn’t mind a whip and chains because the pain is searing as you frantically attempt to douse yourself with as much cold water that will flow from the faucet in full blast.

Good thing the IPHone hasn’t heard of this stuff. It might ban pictures of all lotions just to make sure they caught the right ones. How far is the ban going to extend in the monopolies of Apple and Google and Microsoft, I mean we all like Hot Stuff right? Pretty soon we won’t be able to have porn on the internet and Google will sensor us from the artistic pictures of group sex. Oh wait a minute, can anyone say China? Well in the end we all get the just punishment that we deserve. Can anyone say Bernie Mad……….off? He had the high life for years but when he goes down he really goes down and it looks like he will be going down a lot where he is headed.

OMG, only the really sick of mind will get that joke. At least it is not as bad as Israel. I mean they are building 50 new homes in the West Bank for further settlement. Who in the hell will they get to live there. Do they pick out the homeless and tell them that they have nice new housing with only one little catch? What would be the life expectancy of an Israelite living in the West Bank? Less than a year? I would almost rather live in Iran as a college student. At least there you know where you stand. The government comes right out and says that you should be punished by death for talking shit about the regime.

We should fight a new war and simply drop huge airplane loads filled with warming lotion into the middle of Tehran and see what happens. I bet the TV coverage would be great seeing everyone running around screaming “ice”. “I need ice”. How do you say that in Persian, Luri, Gilaki, Mazandarani, Azeri, Kurdish or Balochi? Jesus, how many languages do they speak in that country? No wonder they don’t like each other they don’t know what the hell their neighbor is even saying.

Man’s conflicting expectations of Women

Are men really that confused and misguided? Do we really want our women wrapped in lace and frills epitomizing the Victoria Secret depiction of matching underwear and bras? Are we more concerned with presentation than comfort? How often do we admire the girl walking on the sidewalk in the tight shorts and revealing shirt only to tell the one you love that she can’t possibly leave the house with her breast partially showing. Are we initially attracted to the one we love by her outward appearance only to Mormonism her look once she is safely in our fold.

We continually hear that women are prone to make the attempt to change their man once they become attached but are we as men any different? Don’t we lump our women into categories of I would love to jump her bones and yes this one I could take home to mom? Are we so concerned with the depiction of women as an extension of ourselves that we lose comfort with our own sexuality? Why can’t we have our cake and eat it too? Why can’t the woman that we fall in love with be both the hottest sexual woman on the planet and at the same time sit down to a nice family Thanksgiving dinner?

My girlfriend has said the word fuck on a few occasions since I have known her and it is surprising to me every single time how I cringe as she utters the word. It seems like such an anomaly coming out of her mouth that is so perfectly shaped as she describes herself as the girly girl. Friends that I reference with some regularity talk constantly about their love for one another but when the girl that I have known since childhood utters any reference to sexuality it makes me shiver a little as I still think of her as that little girl.

The porn industry makes a mint on dressing up 20 year old girls in angelic outfits while they have them fuck the brains out of two or three guys at the same time. Are we all so interested in seeing Snow White going to town in an orgy that we are losing track of the everyday normal life that can be as pleasing if we just open up to our desires? Why do so many men look at porn on their computer while the love of their life lies sleeping next to them curled up hoping that at some point we feel comfortable discussing our secret desires.

Life doesn’t have to be divided into buckets of fantasy and reality. I am not saying that you should jump into anything freaky but can’t you start small and open up to the one that you love. Who knows maybe she holds some bizarre fetishes as well that are just hiding under the surface waiting to be pealed open for you like a birthday package wrapped in lace and string.

If we are not honest with ourselves who can we be honest with? If you can’t confide in your spouse who can you feel comfortable talking to? Affairs stem from our own insecurities in the very relationships that we cherish the most. If you don’t give that beautiful girl laying next to you a chance at your life then you don’t deserve her being there in the first place.

Instead of worrying about her buttoning the top button on her blouse today why don’t you try grabbing a bottle of lotion and giving her a backrub. Don’t be so concerned with your five minutes of lustful fulfillment but concentrate on her for a few minutes and as you are rubbing her down let loose with a secret or two and see how she responds. Believe it or not women are actually sexually driven and have desires of their own.

Try it out and see what happens.

Definition of Cute

Does your wife/girlfriend significant other lose things? Is it inevitable every time they get ready to walk out the door they can’t find the keys to their car? They search through their purse, fumble through their dresser drawer or wander through the kitchen anxiously searching but can’t seem to locate the damn things. It is almost like the keys are alive and no matter where your partner leaves them the get up and walk away laughing to themselves at the inside joke.

As you are sitting at work do you get phone calls from you partner as they talk about their day stating that in the middle of getting a pedicure they dropped their phone in the bucket of water as they soaked their feet? This might just happen to be the same phone they just got brand new only a couple of weeks ago. Thank God for phone insurance as you ask if they have it stating it is a must. After you get home and laugh at the phone episode you can’t help but notice that your partner’s skin looks bright red like a tomato and you find out that she sat too long in the sun tanning booth and got a little burned. As you rub aloe lotion on her back you still admire the sheer beauty of her zest for life and the exuberance with which she talks about her day.

Has your partner ever ordered take out from the local Mexican restaurant and upon arrival you find out that she called in the order to another Mexican restaurant and unless you want to travel 30 minutes to pick it up you have to start the order process over again? How often does this happen? Once a week? Twice a month? After you get home you have the pleasure of watching the latest Bachelorette on TV as you excitedly try to figure out the point of the show but admire the fact that she enjoys watching it so much.

Everyone’s definition of cute is relative. In the grand scheme of social order one act is perceived by the masses as differently as every single snowflake that falls to the earth throughout the life of our planet. While some might find the ability to lose keys annoying and irritating another might find the same exact episode cute and endearing. What are your thoughts? How do you perceive your partner’s recurring actions? The things that you can predict and know she/he will do over and over and over again.

As I contemplate my evening yesterday I look back on it with a smile. How can life be any better than this? The definition of cute has to be the pleasure you feel while looking for the keys or even the anticipation of knowing every time you head out to the car you will be looking for the keys.

The next time you give your partner a compliment or even tell them that you love them and their response is why answer them with a simple statement. Because you are you. The good the bad, the simple the complicated and the completely roll in the floor laugh from your belly things that you do make up all the reasons that you should love the one you are with. If you can’t say that you find enjoyment out of the little things in life then you might want to reflect on what your definition of enjoyment is.

I love hearing about replacing another cell phone, losing car keys 10 times a day and driving to a restaurant not knowing if the food will be there are not. I love those things for the simple reason that they are you. If you have difficulty saying that then you might not be in the right place or the right time and the happiness you are searching for might not be within your grasp.

Happy Hunting.

Every Single Morning

Is it possible to roll over in bed every single morning and as you open your eyes to the world stare in amazement at the person lying next to you? Do you feel entranced as her chest quietly moves in and out with the slow rhythmic beating of her heart? Her hair falls slightly over her face covering a cheek and her eyelids flutter sporadically from the movement as she dreams her fantasies of life. Is it possible to be so lucky that every single morning you feel energized with the infusion of love just by looking at her lying there so amazingly beautiful?

Am I lucky in life? Have a led a blessed existence that held charm and imaginative wonderment? My life is neither all good nor all bad but falls somewhere in the category of average. I have some good days and some bad days and that alone should equate out to my fare share of ups and downs. But is that really the case??????????????

I have three beautiful daughters and while they seemingly test me, never stopping to rest moving from one drama loaded event to another I am incredibly lucky to have them. I have fallen into a relationship which stunned me with the expediency; progressing to a level of desire I didn’t know that I was capable of feeling. I have found my passion in writing and while I might not be that good or maybe I am not that bad I enjoy it immensely. The outlook and creativity are something I never knew I possessed and that alone drives me every day to express my thoughts with words.

Can all of us or any of us hope for anything more? If this was to be my existence for the rest of my life would that be enough to appease my appetite and passion for living? I would have to shout a resounding yes. I feel like I have arrived. This is what I shot for as I sat in classes through my childhood learning 5 + 5 = 10 and the bloody battles of the civil war. Maybe I couldn’t articulate my goals of adulthood as we all wanted fame, fortune and happiness but ironically they don’t always go hand in hand.

If you have to pick from the three which one would you choose? I can now without the slightest doubt say happiness. The feeling of love smoothes out the wrinkles of life making the road bumps easier to navigate. Every single morning I have the opportunity to gaze at the sleeping eyes of an incredibly beautiful woman. How can life be any better? I laugh to myself as I realize I can count the freckles that grace her nose in my mind having spent so much time admiring her as she so quietly rests building her energy to face the new day when she awakes.

Every Single Morning.

Life, love, happiness………. It doesn’t get any better than this and for me it never has to.

Michael Jackson makes three

It seems that the last week has not been the best to be a celebrity. First it was Ed McMahon, then Farrah Fawcett and now Michael Jackson. Admittedly Michael was a surprise to us all. Farrah was in the midst of battling cancer for a couple of years and final succumbed to the deadly disease. Ed was a on the back side of the mountain after living what most would consider a long life. Michael was just a little on the bizarre side with the plastic surgery, boys frequenting his mansion at times and the entire bleaching of his skin.

It is a little sad that most of the younger generation of music lovers will remember Michael more for his mask wearing days than for his signature one handed glove. Is there anyone alive older than 20 who doesn’t have the Thriller video permanently burned into their memory. That video alone mapped out MTV for a generation of tube watching zombies that spent hours and hours watching music versus listening. The Jackson family was never quite the same after Michael broke from the group and headed off on his own to chart music history with his famed dance moves and unique high pitched voice.

The only Jackson that might have ever came close to upstaging him was when Janet flashed her breast at the Super Bowl and showed off her cleavage to millions of viewers. Probably the only way that she could come close the overall fame that Michael held and that was only for a few brief minutes. There is probably no other entertainment figure that could or will ever rival Michael. Maybe Elvis in his heyday or possible Michael Jordon or Tiger Woods might hold the overall worldwide appeal but I think if there were an international poll Mr. Jackson would still win.

It is amazing to believe he was fifty years old. It seems like his taunt pale skin that was stretched over his face held no wrinkles as his plastic porcelain smile was more painted on lately versus the normal flesh and blood he had been born with. One can only hope that he finally found his resting place as he did seem to have so many personal demons that haunted him throughout his adult life.

As with Farrah I wish Michael’s family the best and hopefully he is resting in peace wherever it is he might have gone. I can only hope that it is adults only as in death and in life I wouldn’t want him hanging around my son for any length of time.

Farrah Fawcett (Saying Goodbye)

I have always been a Farrah Fawcett fan as any boy my age most likely. The swimsuit photo that launched her career remapped the poster industry and set in motion her rise to fame. I as always would refrain from calling her a star as her credits are sporadic at best but she was one of the most famous people of her generation.

I can only wish her and her family best wishes. As Barbara Walters has stated she is back in the hospital and it appears she might not make it through the day. It has become evident over the last few weeks that she was close to the end as she ended treatment and chose to live her last couple months the best she could.

I can only say that I hope she goes with the same class that vaulted her to stardom and epitomized the pin up girl who could have brains as well as beauty.

Cancer is such a viscous disease and while most all of us are personally familiar with the aftermath of a cancerous diagnosis from a friend, family member or even ourselves it is still so hard to watch the suffering of the treatment and the disease itself take over somebody’s body.

I can now honestly say I am feeling a little older today as my childhood memories come flooding back and I remember the Farah that I knew as a child and again wish her family well as she lives her last few hours.

It is now posted that Farrah has indeed passed away. I wish her family the best.

TV’s in the bedroom

Has anyone ever tried to directly link the downfall of marriages to the movement of the TV from the living/family room to the bedroom? Do we really need TV’s in every room of the house? How often do we now see TV’s in the bathroom? Can we really be so distraught that we can’t relieve ourselves without watching what is on the latest Oprah episode?

I remember one of my first jobs where I used to always carry a paper to the bathroom. I actually should not say I always did my friend and I would both carry the paper depending on who felt movement first for the day and then just leave it in there for the everyone else as they day progressed. It was with a little shock and awe that I sat listening to my boss one morning as he stated how inappropriate this was and the activity had to cease. I thought he was joking at first but soon found out he was dead serious. Happily we found a solution and hid the paper under our shirt as we entered and then behind the back of the toilet for the rest of the office. It was a running joke for a couple of years.

It would be very difficult to try and do the same with a TV.

I wonder how many people crawl into bed at night and instead of holding onto their loved ones grab for the remote. TV has to be listed far above any drug as the most common addiction in the US today. How many hours are spent mindlessly watching reruns? Sadly this is stuff we have already seen and we watch it over and over again instead of holding the one we love and talking about the day or life’s dreams.

I for one vote to remove the TV from every room in the house but the family/living room. I say that as in some houses they have both. Of course in a house where you have both who really uses the living room. What the hell kind of tradition do we have in the US where we buy a house and stock a room full of nice furniture and then tell everyone they can’t use it. My grandmother used to cover her living room furniture in plastic to keep people from sitting on it. How is that for the definition of insanity? Our society is so concerned with presentation we refuse to allow the use of an entire room in our own home.

I say death to the TV in the bedroom, open up the living room to the world and let it breath, and remove the phones from the bathroom. Let’s read books by turning pages, hold your lover at night instead of ogling Jennifer Aniston on a Friends rerun and for God’s sake open up a newspaper now and then. The internet is fantastic but at some point life should not be spent in front of something electronic 24 hours a day, seven days a week.